The Women Who Know Us: On Girlfriends, Friendship and the Women Who Shape Our Lives

The Women Who Know Us: 

On Girlfriends, Friendship and the Women Who Shape Our Lives

By Kerri-Lee Mayland

My longest-running female friendship began when I was 2 years old. Her name is Shauna Duncan, and we met at preschool in Victoria, British Columbia. One of my favorite Shauna stories is one she is about to learn for the first time, more than 50 years later. I learned to ride a bicycle  at Shauna’s house. She just didn’t know it.

When she asked if I wanted to try out her new birthday bike, I froze. “Do you not know how to ride a bike?” she asked. I didn’t. But admitting that didn’t seem an option, so with artificial confidence I said, “Yes I do!” I climbed on, began pedaling and somehow found my balance. I was riding a bike! I shrieked with joy as Shauna looked on, confused by my enthusiasm. To her, I was simply trying out her new bike. To me, it was the first time I had ever ridden one.

Eventually we went our separate ways. She stayed in Canada and I moved to the U.S. Facebook eventually connected us again, allowing me glimpses of the life she had built.

Turns out, when it comes to girlfriends, it doesn’t matter.

We reunited a couple of years ago as 52-year-olds on the island where our friendship began. Seeing Shauna after nearly four decades was both surreal and completely normal. Sitting together in a downtown Victoria ocean-side bar and grill, the years between us seemed to matter less than the history we shared.

That is the magic of girlfriends. They enter our lives in different forms and at different stages. There are childhood friends, work friends, mom friends and the women who become our confidantes — the ones who get the whole story rather than the edited version.

That’s my friend Kimberlee Hart. Kim was my first friend when I moved to Connecticut 15 years ago. We met through our sons but connected on so many other levels, from theater nights at the Bushnell (Evita, our favorite!) to daily five-mile walks we call “the trees and the trails.” Those walks became a safe place where conversations unfold naturally. There were tears of pain and joy, family struggles, celebrations and even a sudden rush to the ER for a gangrenous appendix (ask me how I know).

It’s one of those friendships that has no limits and knows no boundaries, and if you get one friendship like this in your lifetime, consider yourself lucky.

But as I have gotten older, I’ve realized female friendships aren’t necessarily measured by longevity. Sometimes friendship is about timing as much as history.

And halfway through my 50s, I am still making new girlfriends — which brings me to Christina Tarabishy and Kristina Bontempo. We had all lived in the same neighborhood for more than a decade, even trick-or-treated at each other’s houses, yet somehow had never actually met. Then, while working on this story, I was scrolling Instagram when their Pretty in Pink Again podcast appeared in my feed. Two best friends talking about — what else — girlfriends.

So, I messaged them. They DM’d me back, and suddenly three women who had been orbiting the same neighborhood were beginning a friendship of their own.

Christina and Kristina met randomly on a trip to the Bahamas 10 years ago. They discovered they shared the same first name (different spelling), were the same age and both from Connecticut. That chance encounter eventually led to an enduring friendship and their Pretty in Pink Again podcast.

I asked Kristina how her friendships have changed as she’s gotten older.

“I think I’m much less desperate for people to be my friend. My mom always jokes that when I was little, if I saw a party happening, I would basically jump out of a moving car to get there — and honestly, I think some version of that lasted well into my twenties.”

She says as she’s aged, she’s not searching for or grasping for friendships anymore. “Now I’m looking for depth. I want the friend I can catch up with after three weeks and immediately get into the real stuff. I think I care much less about being included everywhere and much more about feeling connected to the people I actually love.”

For Kristina, some of those closest friendships are within her own family. She considers her youngest sister one of her best girlfriends.

“Sisters are special because there’s almost no explanation needed. A sister is a sister is a sister. You can go on vacation together, grab lunch, go to a concert, spend an entire weekend together — and nobody has to explain why they were invited or why someone else wasn’t. The sister relationship explains itself.”

Christina sees girlfriends as the women who remind us who we are as our lives and roles evolve. “At this point in my life, my girlfriends are the people who remind me who I am outside of being a mom, a wife, working as an influencer and content creator, and all the other roles we’re constantly juggling…I think turning 40 made me realize that friendship doesn’t have to look one particular way. At this age, there’s just less pressure around it. The friendships that feel easy, safe and genuine are the ones I hold onto.”

Christina has two young children, ages 2 and 4, and says motherhood has changed friendship, too. “It’s made me understand that sometimes being a good friend means giving each other a LOT of grace… plans change, someone gets sick, bedtime takes forever and sometimes I realize I never responded to a text from three days ago. Motherhood has also made me appreciate the women who check in without needing anything from me, who don’t take it personally when life gets crazy, and who can be honest about the hard parts too. There’s something very comforting about having another woman say, ‘Yep, me too.’”

Getting older also teaches us that sometimes a friendship has run its course — and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Years ago, a television news colleague spoke warmly about the close friendship she still had with her former spouse after their divorce. She explained it simply. A relationship doesn’t have to stay the same and last forever for it to have been good.

Ive often thought female friendships can be the same way. Some girlfriends are meant for a particular season. They arrive when we need them, make us braver or help us through a difficult stretch. Then circumstances change and paths diverge. A friendship ending doesn’t erase the years it mattered.

Others endure through marriages, babies, careers, moves, disappointments and decades. They may disappear from our everyday routine, but when we reconnect, the love is still there.

And then there are the women we haven’t met yet.

Perhaps that is one of the most hopeful things about getting older. We can continue discovering one another and forming meaningful friendships at 40, 50, 60 and beyond.

Some women know us from childhood. Some meet us when we are already mothers, professionals, wives or empty nesters. Some walk beside us through the trails and trees. Some reunite with us after decades apart.

Which brings me back to Shauna, who just learned that the day she handed me her new birthday bicycle was the day I learned to ride. They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle.

And perhaps you never forget how to make a meaningful girlfriend, either.